Hello!
Another "Favs" playlist. This time, from Chicago. Will update as I think of more Favs. Thanks for tuning in! See you next week. Listen or Weep, Alexis Jade
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I wrote the above post for Father's Day. On the first day of Domestic Violence Awareness Month (October), I described the pain as an elephant stepping on my chest. It was also the day I realized I'd never spend another birthday with my Daddy. Neither of those posts were reflections of my best writing, but I was trying to keep things in layman's terms so it'd be easy to understand. From the outside looking in, I'm sure people still took pity on me and see my posts as a cry for help. They aren't. They're a call to attention- as any body of writing is.
I can't want people to understand why I don't have the energy to do a favor, why I'm triggered by a meme with a gun it, or why I don't show up to events (we're also in a damn pandemic, FYI), if I don't speak up. I told a friend last week that I'm going to wake up and realize something about this tragedy every day. Yesterday, I realized that since it's hard for me to set boundaries and tell people "No," I can use writing as a message as well as my own healing (along with therapy). So, when I say, "I don't trust anyone around my mother," I mean, "Please stop inviting her to social events during a global pandemic." Who knows where the other 10-20 people attending have been? We don't. To put it into perspective, I lost my father eight months after losing my maternal grandmother. Our family has had other losses since. I haven't caught a break for more than a year. It's not even about me. Think of others, too. Pandemic aside, I cheer for myself every day I get out of bed, eat, move my body, and get my daily to-do list completed. I cheer for myself even if the to-do list is never touched. I feel guilty seeing how many people showed up for my Daddy, that I try to force myself to risk COVID to show up for them. Then the day comes, and I just can't do it. I sound like a brat, right? Let me put something else into perspective. The pandemic hit the entire world two weeks after the funeral. In those short weeks, the only joy I got was watching others have a great start to their 2020. Then people all over the world lost their jobs, homes, loved ones, etc. Every single one of my close friends has lost someone this year and it wasn't due to the virus. Seeing everyone's heart break, going on social media to see Black people dying at the hands of white supremacists, this election, this pandemic, other countries experiencing political strife, trying to manage my own personal struggles outside of grief, the holidays approaching...it's. a. lot. For everyone. So, I know this isn't all about me. My point is, I know this year has been hard on everyone, so if I said I'd do something and I didn't deliver, I'm sorry. If I missed your event, I really tried to make it. I'm sorry. If this year has been tough for you too; I see you. We go about life thinking we don't owe people anything and I disagree. At the very least, we owe people respect. At the most, we can let them know how we feel. So please take this as my collective explanation that I owe to all my loved ones. I have a vision for this next year to take care of me, show up for others, and do my best to play a part in righting all of the wrong that 2020 has been. Until then, I have a lot more adjusting to do. I say adjusting instead of healing because as I realize a new grievance each day, I know that I'll never be completely healed. I have to tell my child(ren) why they don't know their grandfather. If I decide a man worthy, I don't have my Daddy to call and hear him complain about how I eloped instead of allowing him to walk me down the aisle. For the first time in my life, I won't see him on Christmas to exchange gifts. What's left of my heart is deteriorating as the days pass. So once again, I know it's not all about me. I'm just explaining why texts go unanswered and I haven't been around. I wish I was one of those people who feels better when going out, but I don't. I just need time and I encourage everyone else to try it too. Flu season is here and COVID cases are rising. Take time, watch some Christmas movies, cook at home, and gather on Zoom, Facetime, whatever. But sit with yourself and heal, too. It's been too much of a year. |
AuthorAlexis Lawrence Archives
August 2021
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